hunter of justice

Marriage by merit

It's sharing little winks together,
Drinks together,
Kinks together,
That make marriage a joy.

Stephen Sondheim, Company

The folks who want to prevent gay couples from marrying often describe the institution in such glowing terms that it sounds like you have to qualify to get in. Actually, some straight couples do have to take marriage tests: those whom immigration authorities suspect of faking it to allow a non-citizen to remain in our more or less United States.  So since we already have an official U.S. government test for assessing the quality of marriage, perhaps we could resolve this whole silly debate by forcing everyone who wants to get married to take the test. What do you think: grades or pass/fail? Here are some of the questions:

• How many televisions do you have in your house/apartment?

• If you are standing at and facing your kitchen sink, where is the microwave oven?

• Is your microwave stationary or does it have a revolving plate?

• Are you paid weekly, every two weeks, twice a month or monthly? What about your spouse?

• How much money did you receive in your last paycheck/deposit? What about your spouse?

• Where did you and your spouse first meet? When was it?

• Who first spoke to whom?

• Why were you there? What about your spouse?

• Was your spouse with any other people there? Who?

• When did you move in together?

• If you are lying in bed, which side does your spouse sleep on?

• Do you have carpet in your bedroom? What color is it?

• How is your bedroom closet split up?

• Where do you keep your clean underwear? What about your spouse?

• What color is your toothbrush? What about your spouse’s?

• Do you have an answering machine at home? Whose voice is on the message?

• What is the name of your spouse’s manager at work?

• What day is trash picked up at your house?

[Source: NY Times}

Real lesbians do not wear earrings (when playing softball)

An absolutely spot-on analysis of the infamous Kagan softball photo from AfterEllen, with HT to Lexi Freeman --

Keds. Lesbians do not play softball in Keds. They are slippery and impractical. As blogger Heather Hogan says, “I wear cleats to check the mail.”

Grip. Occasional AfterEllen.com blogger and softball dyke Anna Wahrman says, simply, “A real lesbian wouldn't choke up on the bat that much.” Plus, Kagan is squeezing the bat awfully hard, which stiffens the swing. Lesbians tend to have a more natural grip, having never been conditioned to hold tightly to tubular objects.

Jewelry. Kagan is wearing pearl earrings and a watch. Not a sports watch, mind you - a regular women's watch. When I played softball, jewelry was not only silly, it was against the rules. If a lesbian wears any accessory, it's a wristband...

Clothes. Kagan has on jeans and an oxford shirt over a henley. Goldberg: “Really, a button-down?” Exactly. And jeans? How would jeans fit over your knee brace? Besides, you want maximum flexibility in case you have to slide into second and accidentally kick your ex's new GF face first into the sand...

Batting stance. Goldberg: “Where do I start with that softball stance? Gah!” Suffice it to say that she is not positioned to actually hit the ball.

Smile. Um, Ms. Kagan? This is a softball game... Goldberg: “I don't care if someone I'm dating is pitching, I'm hitting it up the middle.” Spoken like a true lesbian...

We are no experts on judicial matters...But we are lesbians, and we know softball. We rest our case.

Hey, did somebody say “case?” Who wants beer?

Happy Chanukah!

The gayest wedding ever

HT Lisa Duggan

Why Kate Clinton should be the car czar

From her current post at Bilerico:

"Well there's a job I never wanted," my mom once remarked as we watched an elephant trainer on some TV variety show putting a pachyderm through his paces. If I remember correctly, the gentle, possibly drugged, giant was in a top hat and tails doing "Putting on the Ritz." I said, "I'm glad you are narrowing down your career choices."

I never wanted to run a bankrupt car company either, but as a taxpayer apparently I now own one. Okay, here's what I want done by next Tuesday: change the name "General Motors" to something less militaristic. I like "I-Cars". As a matter of fact I'd like the Apple people to oversee the transition. Start with an I-Phone and then just add Applications like wheels, an electric motor, and a lightweight body. Even if they name it "I-Lemon" and the battery runs down after four hours, people will buy it if it's in cool packaging and they get a coupon for a free hour at the genius bar down at the virtual showroom....

Adios 2008, or Wrapping up the loose ends

2008 was an incredible political year, mostly because the guy who everyone thought was placing his mark for a future presidential race ended up winning the big prize himself.  Oh yes, and he's African-American. And he carried North Carolina, Virginia and Indiana. On the other hand, there was this ditch called Prop 8 that the lgbt marriage equality movement stumbled into. Oh yes, and we may be in a depression to rival the ones our parents and grandparents talk about. And we're still mired in not one, but two wars.

So for better or worse, let's wrap this sucker up.   Herewith my modest proposals for tying up the loose political ends of 2008:

Appoint Tina Fey the new senator from New York.  She's at least as funny and smart as Al Franken, and while she didn't compete in any electoral races this fall, she probably had as much impact on the big one as anyone in the country.

As for that Illinois seat, let Oprah decide. Billionaires always get to decide these things, and she's certainly my favorite billionaire.  Maybe she'll pick Dr. "it's time to get real" "no dog ever peed on a moving car" Phil. I can see it now: Dr. Phil, Al Franken, and Tina Fey quiz potential Supreme Court nominees. Sweet.

Establish the Bush-Cheney Truth and Reconciliation Commission.  Although prosecution is justified, it will never happen in the US and will produce only a nativist backlash if it happens in an international tribunal.  This is an American mess that Americans ought to clean up.

Appoint Elizabeth Edwards ambassador to Tahiti. If anyone deserves a warm, cushy job, she does. And the family needs it, since John may be the only Democratic also ran who doesn't get a job in the Obama administration. Silda Wall Spitzer can be her deputy.

What to do with Rick Warren?  Get him a TV talk show ... with Whoopi Goldberg as co-host. Book lots of interesting guests.  Whatever happened to Harvey Fierstein?  I almost never watch television, but I'd watch that.

Only 30 more days

I love this line from Barney Frank:  When Obama keeps saying that we have only one president at a time, he's way overstating the current number.

Le shoe, c'est nous

It's the shoe-throwing game. Try your hand - it's addictive (HT: Lisa Duggan)

 

Our (weather) man in Orlando

Watch the forecast HERE (HT: Barbara Kerr)

 

And just to lighten things up .... Prop 8: the musical

Watch it  HERE

Giving thanks for ... Kate Clinton

Closing out the holiday weekend with the inimitable Kate C

New e/mail to people in Africa

Billionaires for Bush has come up with this hilarious variation on scam e/mails that we've all probably received. HT to Lisa Duggan ---

Dear Friend,

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gramm, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We can not directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may speedily transfer your commision for this transaction. After I receive that information I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully
Minister of Treasury Paulson
___________________________________________________________

How do political junkies celebrate Labor Day?

They play "pick Obama's cabinet", of course. In this spectacularly unscientific poll, Al Gore will be in charge of energy policy, Eric Holder narrowly won the post of AG, Colin Powell will return to head the Defense Dept, Michael Bloomberg will be Secretary of Treasury, Bill Richardson will take over Homeland Security, and Caroline Kennedy will run the Department of Education. No one got a plurality for State, HHS, Labor or the others. And no, we're not assuming that Obama will win; we're just really, really hoping.

A queen is a terrible thing to waste

A few weeks ago, gay press sources were reporting that Obama had a 60-point lead over McCain among gay voters. Who knows what that number was based on, but just assume for a moment that it's real. Consider what it means: that 8 out of every 10 (we're just goofing around here) (male) hairdressers, interior designers, and assorted fashionistas support Obama -  we're talking style, spice, wit, pizzazz, glamour, endless good taste, and flawless dinner parties.

Now consider the sad excuse for political theater that we have been watching all week. Star speeches and a bit of music aside, all those other long, long hours of earnest, nice, extremely boring people giving excruciatingly predictable, pedantic speeches. Speeches that make you wonder if you're watching the Democratic National Convention, or an SNL parody of the Democratic Convention. I won't give examples; that would be mean. But whenever I was tempted to watch anything other than the big five (Michelle, Hillary, Bill, Al, and Barack), I felt like I was trapped in a really, really bad faculty meeting: people making the same arguments, over and over and over ...

WHERE WERE THE HOMOSEXUALS?  What is the point of endorsing LGBT-positive political positions and paying whatever the current political price is for that, if you don't let gay men design the show? Would the world end if something original was done, if every ethnic and interest group on the planet lost its 3 minutes on stage, and instead the voters you were trying to reach actually wanted to watch what was happening?  I'm not saying the show has to be mindless; how about a cool video explaining what the hell the subprime mortgage crisis is and why it ate our economy and your job? With all respect to the parade of admirable teachers, nurses, union members, repro rights activists, hardworking moms, military servicemembers, out gay people, elected officials high and low, and everyone else who was put on stage to fill up the hours...surely we can do better than this. I mean, the MTV generation is already 20 years ago -- where have these people been?

Just don't think about him while you're doing it

Broadsheet - Salon.com

Jill Stanek

Planned Parenthood is handing out more than 700 pounds of rubbers [at the Democratic National Convention] encased in a racy pink matchbook that reads: "Protect Yourself From John McCain (In This Election)." The back reads, "10 Things Everyone Should Know About John McCain," and includes one of 10 frightening facts about the presidential hopeful's record on reproductive rights. For example, No. 10: "Has voted against women's reproductive rights and privacy 125 times in his 25 years in Washington, D.C." ...